$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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