I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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