Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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