Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just want to make out with him forever
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
