i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
