i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
