I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
