i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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