Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
