Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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