I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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