Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
