its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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