your parents love me but you hate me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
