I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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