i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
