Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
