TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
