I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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