During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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