I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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