Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
