Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
