I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
