Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
