k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
