I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
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Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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