seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
