I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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