During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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