I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
