I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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