I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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