Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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