i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
