btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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