I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
