My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
