Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
