I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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