haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
