Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
