She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I had to cum in my sink.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
