apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
