Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
