If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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