I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
