every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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