btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
