I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
