we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My balls are so social today.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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