The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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