Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
